--------------------------------
e you? I wonder... Me? I'm
h a flyover that snakes its way
Halifax (I'll let you decide
's a quarter past twelve AM and

in Abbey Park (about three
e moths dance across my stories
re I've written published pieces
iliar with my name and work and
today - but everything accepted
ares from the real universe

could it be that everybody
Whether this dairy will be of
larly debatable question. Good
he first entry and all. If I
kind of conclusion, forgive me
't know how easy it is to keep

me why I don't buy a car or a
unnel and back home again. You
ng around at this time of night
ychos! rapists! werewolves!
their holes at the same time.
hs simply dance and the tunnel

lk more than ten yards without
re pretty hellishly weird. Thing
ls to understand is the amount
walk. Problems, riddles, ideas,
have - many times - clicked into
ghts, or as my footsteps have
ound. Found.
for shelter and I haven't been
ause I want to be here. I like
drive, ride, bus it home... home
and not think of each other.
It's not very big, not really,
across the daylight-busy tarmac.
t that, a DIY superstore. Down
thy, cobbled road to an ancient

ares either end. Park near the
n- stop- and then turn and run.
home in the morning mist.
to scribble that. Writing can
bit though, I think.
If anything happens on the way,
not in Intensive Care.
mething: Chesters. Stuart





--------------------------------
bet.
It's because I write, that's
d, that's another strong one;
there's more... Something I
think perhaps- oh hang on

hrough, staring at me all the
.. He grunted.

responsibilities such as work,
y because I've realised I have
e). Older readers, or you
the majority might have some
I explain?
anyway.
Tunnel and observe people.
gue and tease, maybe even...

through, panting wheezily, eyes
really look at me. Animals
's kittens scuttle on past with-

eah: myself.
about seven months ago, after
hich involved my mum and my
ifteen; four years younger than
g I can do is write short
er too sick to print or too
his makes me pretty talentless
rom three jobs since I left the
o the conclusion that, not only
ployable. I take creativity way

the other in Graphics, and on
ad for a guy who's ambition used

ity, not because I wouldn't like
nfidence and don't have any

al rejects: Gemma Forrest, an
has sex with anything in
ped (and she was once, as far as
you ask); Steven Warwick, a
layabout who collects billion
sussed (but he hasn't); Tim
ho lives with his braindead,
me this, thinks Manchester's in
e, like Steve, he's very
y gory fiction; and lastly,
DIY store up on Pellon Lane.
ist: she's become what I would

ger than me, a late-developer I
about twelve) but despite her
mature - she could do a hell of
ne hours a day, of that there's
s worked a late shift, she comes
a while. I enjoy our
the next one down when it

t to see what she does. I don't
. Though I'm probably wrong.
her parents in the Canary
tnight, so she told me a couple
e balls to tell her this but...
ke crazy).
ery cold. Tomorrow I'll tell you
you'll keep reading. I have much
much more is going to happen.





--------------------------------
ight, I stalked two teenage
eir heads and giggling like
nel they muted themselves for a
t it came:



e em."
"
the Tunnel.
viciously intensified by the
of thing you'd expect might
school classroom when the

nd scantily dressed, and I
y, (excitedly?) until they
unnel. Then, I closed my note-
em.
to hide in the shadows, and yet
hoes to ring as a distant menace
ib Lane, kicking each other,
nd back again (one even threw
eir careless, chaotic wandering

ing the desperate faces of
ted and abused... And my
- Karen. `How have you earned
ght. `Where did you buy your
being more careful on the
vil? Hell, do really, honestly

t up with a hell of a lot of
e feelings or opinions of
nfair advantage of the innocent
y? What gives them the right? A
lottery of fate?


sniggering and playfighting
They increased their speed, kept
ach other. Head down, I just
tlights buzzed. Footsteps
was around.
er, we were nothing but midges.
eps would appear that led up to
there, no matter how late the
to do it soon. Immediately.

sprint, I noticed the pair had
on a low wall. They were
like Kittens in a cardboard

assing them wasn't right. What
ad to go along with my feelings
- if afterwords it felt wrong -

ted. I looked up. The girls
and shivering. Slowly, quietly,

ed. The three of us stared out
ing to the hum of hidden
es.
.
itement- rage- the world shook
n a fountain of glass. I lashed
raking through hair, splitting
ainers. The first shriek of
ely this could not be
round was natural? Not this

hem in fours, the other
parkling with balls colour, I
n, down onto cold brick.
her stomach. She gargled,
other girl had gone- vanished-
grabbed a breast- squeezed it-

I said (it's hard to remember).
never never never, or you are
came out steadily, but in
sirous to rape- to torture- to
oral to this pathetic moth that

.
r breast was completely flat
g into flesh. The girl's eyes
lt my other hand fumbling for my
s going to- I was going to-



nd ran. Ran, ran, ran... Where,
hell am I? What gives me the



ght, I'd better head home. If
okay guy, as you'll soon see.




--------------------------------
today and added some graffiti
NFUSION" I wrote... Done all
riting. My A-level in graphic
ou know.
ti in the Tunnel at this moment
e ON Tour 90", "Smoke POT- it's
, "I love TSO 92" (in jagged
heekie Chappies!", and of course
iginal - "Kay&Jonny", complete
ut from beneath the &.
lifax before. I do not feel good
"mine" now. Like an animal
shit or something.
alked through the subway after
He was pissed through (it's only
ok at me at all. He reminded me
tories. Strange - maybe he was.
n't stay open. This job (job?)
live. Friday tomorrow, should
emma. We'll see.










--------------------------------

usual to catch the drunks as
cked once and spat on three
ible name-calling attacks) but I
athetic and pointless sins one

bout half past eleven. With no
hed, I felt my skin dampen: what
lf?


fuckin homework or summing?"

swarming her, licking her ears,
.

d and still studying at school.
htened of the term "work" and
of higher education for as long
expects to use her eventually
ea. Still, I'm not one to
let's be fair - no matter how
emma is still a little girl.
he surrounding males barked with
ariously funny. I ignored them
or argue about anything they
lly) result in them completely
liss.
a demanded.
s and tottered around, waiting
aring my usual, negative

d with an impatient sigh (the
raindead males than for her).
iously I was either stupid or
ad calmed, Gemma wormed herself
face gazing into mine.
udge girls like that... Smooth
ching in case it's just make-up
s, and beautiful blue eyes...
you stare for long enough.
and what've you got? A human
hten you.
f a short black skirt, a thin
hrough it) and a dark denim
r hefty chest to poke through.
and here's the proof"? "Gemma,
little girl, I'm just not
hem for a start.")

ned it again. "Ah, nothing."
at came with a smile.

t?" She's always asking me that
cording to Gemma - unless he's




hen you start it?"
"

given up on her and drifted on
I could see faint shadows waving
rthern box.
king bastard," she muttered.
you sit under this stupid

apped. "I've told you, I'm not
r off with your boyfriends."



h. I can imagine at this stage
ell my problem is. I ought to


tant, my real, inner-feelings
th those of Gemma's. Second, I
s that have, for that past three
ants from the scummiest depths
Third, I consider myself a very
o, good joke, right? Right.

interested. How many times do I
away and she ended up grabbing

sisted. "Don't you fucking lie

Gemma."
. And then she jumped on me.

ust admit. Threatened to do it -
ever actually physically thrown

perfume and beer, and as we
dug her teeth into my neck. I
to clear a guy's thoughts.
und, extracted, pushed, chin up,
head between my knees.


. OFF me!"
es don't you? Eh?"
urting my ears-"


t onto my lips and let it build
e was hypnotized.
And fell.

p! on her upper lip. She closed
naware of the escape route
... No. I don't think she wanted

She caught it on her cheeks, her
o spit back, as if unnaffected.
twinkled... This attack was a
ned on.
bombshelled her forehead - and
and voices. I clambered off
aware of being congratulated by
t class face-shower.



--------------------------------

less my parents are rowing.
Gemma... Head jammed between my
r the light of the Tunnel.



flutter and I wonder... Have




--------------------------------

ay - God said - is the day when
ut.






--------------------------------
aying how shit and hopeless
nificent and promising and
going to be? No, probably not.

script and it was late
om school and I could hear Mum
shoes off before he walking into

in the hallway. Mum and Richard
I tiptoed up to the livingroom

become like him... Wasting his
.. REAL career, REAL job...


."
glad I was eighteen when I
y younger and I might have taken
g the house with the bang of the

teps were quick. They had to be;
d I was both.

e-"
eet. The sky was white, the
?] cars were droning by. "No,
't like me. Hasn't that twigged
istake."
u, no! That's not true!"
ster. Richard jogged to catch up
hed away, teeth together. If he
into tears too, and then before
my knees, begging for a
d be right where I was (where
uno.
se, I mean, Stu, I wanna read
ew-"
."
ment, thought about apologising,


blood crouched sobbing in the


am the streets alone what am I
le with Richard what the hell am
ds published am I supposed to
row it away what am I supposed
I supposed to do what am I



no feelings. Adults are evil in
Be a child and you can pass

es and it... Hurts. Why else
ng hours writing shit nobody

this for ARE my parents. When
Weep weep weep cry burn in Hell
e to your own son.



U UP THE ARSE





no love whatsoever.

t. You want monsters and ghosts
nds, look up James Herbert or
any times (nothing wrong with
e down on ice cold stone when
and write under the Drug Tunnel
overhead lights and the chatter
r, new questions about horror

read this, because I've done
n with no market in mind, no
confine me. And yet my chosen

say? I don't know. I don't give
s actually happened, but it's
onal style; there are self-
with dialogue and
look at it that way. I've used
magery as I can. You need
not just a block of boring text.
nderstand: feelings, emotions,

worked."

matic, huh?



--------------------------------














--------------------------------

ing shite for the past few days.
'm not going to edit anything
me, you're with my feelings. I
ht slip away like that again.
re to tell.

that was. Just when I thought I
skirt, along comes Mr Knowitall
spectrum of hatred.

right?"


cohol. I shuffled away. He
h here without being pissed?



T: Question of the month.




urned away, as if in repulse.
al twat: when he first arrives
s questions. Nice company. Then
olley". He proceeds to declare
s on and on and on, until I
lk off. It's always the same

u?"
y not. I looked at Steve through

touched you up when-"
onna talk, talk quietly and
own sick ideas. Understand?"

I haven't got a sister!"
"Something musta happened. This



you?"
OFF, cunt."
d all normality. It's never
ng seems to have really...
I began this diary. Quite odd,

ast Friday."
anybody last Friday."
u.
as it fluttered against the
it fell on the floor and began
t so interesting then.
our dick out and spunked all

in her face, alright? I spat."





elt like repeatedly whacking him
usness, then pissing in his
My teeth scraped together.
ape, and a good job it is too;
lly would have repeatedly
ed in his mouth: I'm a fucking
lucky stars I found writing,

whispered, more to himself than
something. No change there. "You
u've gotta be past fifty to
nce and all that. You've nothing
oked at me again, his goatee
"What ever you want to say...
Everything in the world has

hen he first came out with it
point I suppose - most things
or destroyed. Only the super-
nology - or the incredibly rich
le voice in the world.
ld Steve in an equally soft

ied.
s. The lights buzzed.
ghed.




licked it. "Why what?"
y this!" His voice echoed the

ssness. Take religions which
... Like, say, Christianity.
sn't/weren't willing to accept
nce - so they scribbled down a
owerful Spirit) being the ruler
r blindingly obvious fictional
sad pricks believe in it all.
hen again, isn't everything?)
f a young, fairly attractive,
ring the early hours of the
otebook for absolutely no reason
it. And it doesn't fit with
I don't think). There >HAS< to
ity... I've been molested,
se, shouted at, I'm afraid of
ore, I'm attracting my peers'
s for my being here is
any one of them was true he'd
ed me. I reckon I'd never see
complex jigsaws.
y silence. "I'll sort you next
me. Sure you're not walkin up


off down the Tunnel. He came
wrong way.
A couple of other bodies have
ing this but to be quite
ntion. Sorry.

wasn't just my knackered brain.






--------------------------------
.
then hello again, then "Gemma,
but she didn't stop, didn't sit

that I had her in the first
t I suppose.
but she was human... And the
s roll about on the floor of
n her face. What I bastard I am.

I think-
ably like me to]





the past half hour. Haven't
alarm installing company, has
hen I first met him I admired


t, most cornered pissants on the
d to boot.
only job he can get. He hates it
to keep money coming in from
pregnant his parents chucked him
s like to be chucked out by your

thing in common: they're both
like rabbits.
y share none of the same
other stands up. Doesn't work,
n he bollocks. The only thing
nd she's got a fanny. In out in
ey cokey and you fuck up your

hing from our conversation. We
d old), about books and stories,
d use in my forthcoming fiction,


r. "Jobs are okay," I remember
ting for the first week or two
of your life."
her impatient response --> That,
ing great.
ttractions about becoming a
b" as such, there are no set
pay (at least, for your first
on the employment market]
worth relating.
know. Funny how things can
through the murky teenage
were times when Tim slapped me
elf... And yet he was sat here
] chatting to me like we've

ror story I'd written myself out
b-dropped class, Tim got great
punch-bag. After "Bleeding
ted talking to me about horror
ooks.
me one strange and bitterly

[it had to be a trick]. As it
We became good mates. He even

sk him why he'd punched the shit
inated me, it did, how anybody
ented fiction and turn from bad

- and still doesn't to this
ard when everything's boiled

hang out in the Tunnel for so
nd to the fact that he's partly
n childhood was panel-beaten
e like him. Every slap, every
--> it's all still in me, some-
e-scarring trauma - many people
nd of thing, and far worse - but
annot see it.
y childhood thinking about
em down as incidents in stories,
y of a murderer instead of a
kes my fiction: with out it, he
his own description) --> stuck
, perhaps: me, his Frankensteins

He's average company, and - I
not the kind of guy to spice up






--------------------------------

acted to my often bizzare and

y.

which you regularly spend time
l, the local library, your
bound to crop up sooner or
n that one.
t's time appearing in my dreams.
sitting in a mind-rendered
oths which have my "friends'"
s a reason).
cross-legged in the middle of
ghter (up-down) between my eyes.
ely naked - and there were three
in a neat line just ahead of
and wrapped around each was a
a picture of a sky-blue car

times, which is why I went into
h this morning and bought myself
g into supermarkets - they're
shing deathtrap, full of stuck
ough nobody seems to notice,
tling and scuttling and nibbling
cks. But I'll tell you about
orld in general - another time.
ings to discuss).
se, paid a visit to the "Wines &
!' guess what I found...
ow the wine is the exact same
re he popped his cloggs, hence
n a hectic fishing trip and
dreamscape which I am now - on
reacting to.
A good excuse to down the wine
e nearly a month's dole). Right
beneath an off-putting thorne
n entrance.
hey're gonna get found, but
n the average by-the-side-of-the
nd the path's sacred: if you
shit. Yeah, right).


the Tunnel, just like the one I
at school. Only better - and

Why? It's only a horse with a
c about that? What makes it so
Nothing except the way it looks.





--------------------------------

lked naked through the Tunnel.
almost painful `prickling'
hose teenage girls a while ago
d and cold against my skin.
of occasional vehicles made me

ed, then got dressed. Nobody
do that again. I don't feel




ink it'll be worth keeping you
here must be a reason for it.
ou when/if I find out).



--------------------------------





--------------------------------
g Tom today (I'm not only
know - I'm squeezing out some
ed, but I feel disappointed,

handle when I was attending the
ago (before it closed down due
one of the few "clubs" I've ever
here.
cerning writer's groups: one or
n dominate and even destroy what
ealthy workshop; they can become
y writing to and for each other;
ally) hostile and off-putting to
o "nice" (any work read out
nd the table).
o be heading off in any of these
g out my, shall we say "sicker"
es to the set tasks.
the workshop seemed like heaven
the door was met by a huge
Yes! It was as though I had at

ep in touch by sending mail to
people who regularly attended,

llified by a workshop, or taken
for that matter. They're just
I'll ever understand why a
nings) can possibly be rejected
adly laid out manuscript, some-
le"?

floating around, plus a full
e than three months ago called
el: he reckons it kicks the shit
day's market, but what the hell
a book published. Not anymore,
name-based. Too commercial.
etitions because of the language
yes this sucks: where's the
ld fuckstains who haven't a clue
= modern language, you prune-
igged yet? Just because I don't
ea & biscuit party doesn't mean

l rejected, that's it. No more
tempts at "breaking through".
e best work I've ever done, so
, hell, why dream of
nt, I know I don't. I think too




the Tunnel tonight. So I've

homes more vunerable? At night
up at night - some even alarm
ybody could open the front door

ghts intact makes you realise
insane - me perhaps? - to walk
to open a front door, it
to close up behind, to creep, to


r







--------------------------------

alysis aren't I? Not to mention
I don't know whether that's a
at writing as a form of therapy,
said a lot of what I'm writing
, Psychotic Dreams.
well tell you a little about

t does get accepted for
ts and additions and God-knows-
point taking a week or so out
name - Psychotic Dreams is
why fuss?]
tobiographical; after over-
rother, I went into suicide-mode
fferent ways.
think teenagers are perfectly
uctive phase. It's just standard
yourself did you? What
the surface - to the outside
be it is trivial, or something
.
ath occurs is it? It's not so
n to emotional shreds. If, on
uicide, think about that one.
eat, chain-reacting power. A
power that, once freed, can

g book about the confessions of
urban life has been one of abuse
ms are his only escape from a
raped him of all forms of

pes... And learns to solidify
threads of hope remain, only to
tside world. He decides to
otic, perverted fantasies --->
r. Animal cruelty. Child sex.

e it ought to be banned, it
rhaps it is... But it was either







d.















--------------------------------

ther, I don't think I want her
Something's gone wrong. Some-
e wrong.
ies seem thicker. Their heads...
ey're just... More defined.

clatter of Gemma.















--------------------------------
ry to write.
. Wasn't Gemma. Was Dianne.


a


n pockets. Shivering I think...
h clouds of supergiant moths. I
ap, pen pointed at the roof, and
t... Believe...
rsa as she came out of the
alpattern wall opposite. Her
wing shadows spun webs across

said, "Please... I need to know
nt voice. My book eased
ed.
ering and breathless - as I rose
nd the Tunnel bugs from my skin.
who- like-"
onally threatening. I was the
ndrils of smoke rising from my
fted her feet. Scratched an
th her tongue.
iously. `I want to steal you
nto a thousand pieces. Girl girl

r, if- if you-" She took a deep,
"
whisper. A strong, confident,
rist.
ve me your shit, Chesters, you

h streaks of red desperation,
e fell- "Why am I pregnant why

a perfect vaccum. My heart.
y times must I scribble bull-
ane mothnest? Here, on the floor
se reality of truth.
after page of pathetic lies]
..." I crouched, made as if to
never.
no words of comfort, no escort
hung forever between us.
s and ruthless riddle-thought.
s of drink and an invisible
enage male, asleep from
the flicker of TV in his closed


lourful wordshit smeared across
the Tunnel through the northern
slow, staring as he passed.
out here you two friends? or


wind].
smiling a true smile. Her eyes
nd, charcoaling speech. What
und of a petrified lifeform,
s, it's own jarred existence.
eoh-kay...?"
was confused just confused

upper legs, her stomach, between
ght.
THOUGHTS I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO
SAW HER LEGS]
e, never... I would never do
out for a few seconds. Went
tivity.
aaa-)
some... Things. But never, I





s you aren't, perhaps it's just
"
antly triggered nightmare had
ake. I grinned when I realized
e an all-destroying sea of dark

ing the walls. "Cath & Kim",
e marks of a hundred people
& Dianne", I thought of
or when normality crept back...

un. Run like the wind!]

d across the floor, climbing to
r. "Bye." She waved.
back if you want to talk," I
metime..."
x in silence, like a traveller
k to her own, alien universe.
the same; from the moment they
o the darkness, they are in MY
e of this rotten, battered

yours]
write anymore. I'll be better





--------------------------------

ldn't. There's more good in me
g "wrong" with me. You try
ht. It soon gets to you.

happened.
ometimes I think it's better to
to write them down... Ah I
an't I can't I can't.
entry was a bastard to write.
inning of this diary, I never
it from each of my "friends" and
se as a result of Karen's return
I mean come on, I've lingered
of a toilet for nearly a whole
little outside, anyway. In my


here between reacting to the
g down as it goes on. If I don't
ll be buggered if I know. I'm
ader.

, so there's little I can tell
self sorted, or in so much of a
've become the last person on


name. I know that wasn't perhaps

- "Here Dianne, kill me! Kill me
ve her my trust. And I ask you,

e left the Tunnel two days ago
Country - but it's taken until





ough here. Sometimes many nights
oul. Oh, cars drift by up on the
very often, nobody comes.
empty. I'll start on the last
wn.
r... But when the vehicles above
cing at that strange blue-car

disturb them, make them shoot
rete like ping-pong balls in
ars either.




--------------------------------

of Dianne. Or Karen. Or anybody
full of drunks I didn't spend
o get into any shit, not after

tonight, like there's some kind
The lighter: perhaps it's a tool
They'd no longer be moths of
y. Sounds like good fun.
arrived late, or taken the day
ll be back (hopefully)... God I



really stem from the past, or
on the logic of time?
aumatic/damaging experience" has
f (and, perhaps more import-
ection... There are none of
he deepest chasms of my brain,
e of that.
onest? Well... Who am I writing
on-existant audience... Or just

nts and brother. If they're the
it... But... Is it possible to

eme lengths of time due to the
in" (temporary mental illness?)

become the truth: I sincerely
at nothing "traumatic" has
means, if I am lying to myself,
t is that DID happen.

(damaging)
(damaging)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(fragile)



(damaging)
(damaging)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(damaging)

bout Karen? No.... Neither of
t, not that I know of.
y do? Are the attributes "good"

every human being is "neutral"
aggressive genes)... ie:
must be a certain age - perhaps
g (nurture, basically) - at
r consciously? - "decides"
ated more towards "good" than

t...? Or is it winging up and
Is this state of imbalance any


----------------EVIL

"neutral point" found? Who is to
ottering around on this line


now what, but something is. This
ocus.

for anything.
predefined by no-"

when I hope I'll be able to tell
with Karen.




--------------------------------

riends, for Sunday is the day
uck all will happen to anybody."




--------------------------------
than usual. It's still daylight
d of black ones... Just bigger

ot yet. I never see them arrive.
xt- POOMF! the air is alive with
Where do they come from?
s through at this kind of hour.
me as per usual. They're afraid
know. Can't be sure of course,
andering in through a black box,
can't enter this dimension).
or a murder down here wouldn't
ation. Ha! Blind bastards...
what ever they do. Hell,

ine. Come on Kaz...


e just then. I was scribbling
shadow in the nothern box. As
nd the feeling of being watched
e her, it did, I swear to God it
course.
og. Came half-way into the
in.

do.

:
at the fuck am I hanging about
hat a BITCH! Fuck fuck fuck fuck
k fuck fuck fuck f



--------------------------------
ght. Shame you can't erase ink
it?

this morning, rather)... Him and
iss out of me, of course. Got me
ght ---> Hell, you know the
im.
s if I'm being dragged too close
er that might entail). Am I
upid questions, forgive me: I
s that matter, and even then I

I've become a very lonely and
d admitting it's not my fault.
y else did. Where's the wrong in
rs and grow up?







h more?

t thirteen; I got laid when I
my "mates" were still having
it's not my fault, okay? IT'S

t anywhere in life? Hell, DO you
or is that yet another fucking
at is normal? Is normal wanting
rosy garden, a handful of kids,

p coming to this place? Stop

aps I'm a cut above the rest. I
htclubbing, girlhunting,
er multi-named activities
'm happy... And yet not happy...
up and as confused as buggery,

you want to spit; nightclubs are
s when you first walk in through
r quite what you dreamt it would
plenty of that]
good in your mate's eyes. But
w. Who would understand and who
nexplainably found yourself in

rselves-
active to our eye-
es are most important-
otherwise-






ve never noticed before. A
ide the head of my unicorn. I
ey are now? S'nothing on the

hem out, obliterating the memory
dream? Did the moths do





like what she said at all.
TERS FUCK THE BITCH]



--------------------------------
mber who they all are?
isn't a book. There is no plot.
can remind you when ever I
n.
f my world. You need to know
son this diary exists.
r all. Even love. When misused,
can of course be illusionary...
efore so often a cheap, pathetic


er whisper that to her. Why say

y age would not look twice at
rejection in her greenblue eyes.
of the crystal clear perfection
present youth population. If
have anything at all. If what
ey won't have anything at all.
ards.
attractive by several members
ctive members of the opposite
? Important? Special?


ts on TV declare: if you're in
ol of your life. But looks are
eauty catalogue prior to being
must naturally keep. Forever.
n, perhaps. Because I show no
racted to me: it's NOT the way
enge for her. She believes I'm
believe - in many ways - I'm
s slide down her body as she
lds me back.
o Gemma?
HER?]
any, I respect the girl. But I
he talks. I don't like the way
s, her ignorance, her periodic
sexually involved with her. When
ghed: I was nothing, nothing at
y knew my name: that's all that
dy".
ate success as a writer and saw
e shadows, did she allow me to
expectation.
n here. I'm no longer asleep.
tle peer-tides. No, kiddo: I'm


school.
kinny white twig of a child -
sion: the Eleven Plus Year. It'd
back then - I didn't of course -
he still caught my eye; I don't

ible to imagine I could feel so
I would meet again and become
nds destined to fall in love
n't know.
a rough school called Holmfield
l from where I still live to

sed the all-important test (or
got offered a place at sixth
chool called North Halifax
ere... And yet physically she
it happens sometimes. Boys and

e had no tits whatsoever, not

exchanged words with Karen. She
ing God-knows-what in the
d up a book at random ("Human
e another) and wandered over to
wn she jumped and I apologised.
I sit here?"
staring, as if her brain had hit
t's filing cabinets. When her
found me. You can't forget some
em. You just can't.
ew hellos in the corridors for
t the piss taken out of me for
ear tart" so for a while
best to avoid contact with
't understand the appalling
pressure).
netic talker, something which
h her. Throughout her childhood
e, a very minor amount of true,

lk very quickly (and she'll be
oice I find... Wonderful. Just

CHILDISH]
th form, we'd become very good
h our homework down the deserted
school (Karen doesn't live very
writing and she showed great
ns for a few (admittedly
own simply because she'd been

was just a teenage fetish - when
fantastic legend.
nuscripts to read - beginning,
ilding up to my more intense,
ime I left school we were ready
r of us poured anything out. One
e direction of partners and
up enough confidence to direct
me, because I think we're STILL

look at or desire any other
perfect partner. Another stupid
asturbated over a girl I knew
h" with that girl - it was the
"existing-person" wank. By the
'll bet there was only Gemma and
list... It was as though I was
o, I won't jack off over you

hormones under control, I'm not
n you're shuffling up through
l becomes the most important
ay above exams - but now?
he schoolboy kind of way. But...
e must must must be mine.

arlier this year, and stopped
her for about five months, so
night. I walked her home: one of
r had. Company, that's all she
ny.
eight o'clock, and either runs
the Tunnel and talks to me until
s due. I hate all vehicles
ve said before, but in Karen's
port is quite understandable:
till, I don't think I'd be up to

and I hugged for the first time

ike I could crush her if I put
This, I fully expected: her
r precious to me... Like a rare
destroyed - ruined - by the
I was as gentle as I have been
his pleased me. I think a kiss
against her cheek, but alas, we
posite each other on the floor
nd, Karen with a bright yellow
othing but her usual, empty

caring much; she shouldn't have

deserts all over the island,"
the Sahara, only not as hot or
ckin cool, yeah. Like- really

book. Waited. Glanced. Her eyes


She has a way of looking at me -
- which I find mysteriously
hose who believe personality is
ect" from a person and "insert"
twitch, every move, EVERYTHING
his entry for two and a quarter
g about Karen. She borders on

escription of her appearance? A
ivations? I could give you each,
observe: it's by far the best
alysis in today's society. Hell,
s bastard diary]
tossed a small, shiny keyring
t through my fingers. It was
cture of a beach at sunset and
rfully inside. "I know it's not
hardly any money and my mum
gged. I saw this fuckin ace hat
l serpents kinda curlin round
couldn't afford so I got you a
ink? I think it's nice."
t didn't sound too much like
be: I still treasure Karen's

eezing." I laughed too. "Of
could fry an egg on the floor.
egg on the floor cos it'd get
"

uppose it would."
so anyway... I went swimming in
the sand kinda sloped down
started you know? Only this
be German... But I think he was
and helped me swim back to the
twisty kinda dive-thing and

r obviously much-enjoyed
nd of her amazing child-woman
t in recalling every event.
ual, and I looked up from a
y book as I listened. But Karen
didn't look like she was going


ll you next time, maybe."



have you written any more

ly, ignoring her question.
got anythin for me to read or
and your book and stuff?"
tually believe I'm gonna get a
hey won't write back Karen, they
b teenager."
w you're a teenager."
y will. I'm not experienced

lled, echoing the Tunnel. The
n negative all the time okay?
itive. They WILL reply because I
nyway," She stood and looked
l miss my bus. S'been nice.

this somebody you met?"



hat- you met a bloke out there?"
it!" she began to walk away.





st has gone numb I will see you




--------------------------------

p. Here's something I haven't

Karen works. It was my second
(my first being at a branch of
le there were so stuck up I quit
about a month, working after-
rst week I thought it was okay -
rs up my spine - and then a new
thing went haywire.
way I looked, the way I stacked
fucking pencil. In the end I
d fat arse and left - setting
rehouse alight on my way home.
I'm on the subject, lasted just
sition with a re-vamp crew who
ssive new supermarket just out
which is how I came to find this
ust wasn't for me: I got
tools (I never was any good at
d by the gaffer himself - the
e bastard. I thought that kind
ugly head in school playgrounds.
d and trashed the half-
shelves and cupboards and
ed up when I'd done, narrow-eyed
you think you're doing?" he
re (and horribly self-indulgent)
ext Stephen King and that one
iths with a copy of my latest
a signature. Of course, the guy
to a loud "Go home and fuck your
ou fat cunt!" before he could

hey drain your life away like
s lips by some kinda gigantic,
all it the Vortex
olite lady in a fur coat just
a gorgeously cheerful and
Sorry about this. Let me pick

ike about Karen is her apparent
months of full-time work I think
Extended chat (yes, even for
roducts, barcodes and prices is
she went on holiday she was
things we used to talk about -
to change the world... Nothing
re. I gave her a redraft of the
e took it home and brought it
that she'd read it. I know
new nightmare sequence' I'd put
l'... Only I hadn't written a

e (though I often wonder if


but it doesn't look like it (the
'm surprised none of my other
. Tim, Steve, Gemma... er...
a fucking popular guy I am.
me dark, handsome bloke whilst
with him. If that's the case I'm
erience is okay (I got mine from
leven, believe it or not) but
ng long-term... Surely, please
ways.


day. An unwelcome black figure
e that dump... The moment I
ic doors, it brought the few
-employment I'd spent there

memory; it's not like I could
d been entirely revamped with
f. I think it was just...
ic.

't as many as there was when I
re still around alright: I
behind the lawnmower displays -
ing like giant black crickets,
on't know what they do, what
uck up the dust, but they
w big they are because they're
t be surprised if - out in the
your average cat.
But there are no moths in Retail

e me until I'd finished my
ounter, folded my arms and
neighbour and turned to face me,

e fuck're YOU doin here?"
ok like?" I said.
as if she couldn't quite grasp
in front of her, in the fucking
at the stuff I intended to buy

me: "What's the fuckin rope
ish bags... Do you?"
sking my head round. "Argue with
the manager, do you mind if I

noyed. Good.
ding the queue simply because
s about looking like an insane
Dis is that most people tend to
e death at the moment.
t they call em, no shit) and
till bleeped.
.
you're doing... But..."
s what I'm doing."
looked at me, seriously. Karen
e tries, but it's a rare and
re convincing attempts. I gave


th the counter and flopped it
omethin?"

the rope through. I bagged it


y nine... Stu-u?"
. She took it. "See ya later

nge and recipt- Stu, will you be
to come down and talk... Stu

cut me off from her beautiful,
, colourful, Bug-infested world



e moths are big big big. And
g.





--------------------------------
his wobbly, drunken state. The
ouding like exhaust fumes, his
trangely fatter than usual. And
this was TV influence at it's

brother?" - That before he'd


nswer." He collapsed beside me,
r of his mouth.
ing in my notebook. "Three
"
bolted upright. "You made a
How did your parents react to

id to his son. `Very

gs tonight, Steve," I said and
tired."
ct slightly, say something

tell you?)

bit, right?"
obody has ever offered me a

ng dick,' I thought, but
ust to see where it all ended
ve Your Brother More Than You'
pe... For the first time ever,
ally done some serious research
spoken to Richard, or even Mum.
rious about (excuse the

ding his fag out.
ise, and stubbed it out on the
Steve."
of his nut to realise what I'd
s, found nothing there, flopped

an she loves you," He said in a
ehersing that line since he got
He watched the moths for a

he nail more-or-less on the head
he deserved a respectful
mbardment. By not answering, I
suspicions either. Perhaps he'd
idea, thinking this one had

us?" He blurted suddenly. I
crawling for the southern box.
o `wins' the next time Steve
indeed). But we'll see.





--------------------------------

t of the day wandering rather
ugh - there's always people and


es... And then suddenly I'm
bserver. Being scrutinized and
own beside me, peering inquisi-

You paintin things?" She
iagrams I'd been doing. "Can I
."
d to draw a surprisingly
nly she stopped and looked at me
ld-innocence.
w can you make pictures with no

er a response, a sharp female

t've I told you about talkin

red hastily towards the source
p and a muffled yelp echoed
steps receded.





ase - come and put the colours



domestic bollocks out of this
won't have any choice but to
arents WILL find this place...
piece of work, this study of

I've seen him strolling round
tuck-up bitch of a girlfriend.
at the moment (ie: nothing is
seriously `in the shit' when he
into my lair.


BOY]
l undoubtedly KILL the

d Dad, why don't you just come
just bring your shitty little
n come on come on come on come

Patience is the key, I think.
they've nothing better to do
ever to return.
ining. I reckon one of my


!
a
!aHa!
a
!


ic tiles have fallen away in the

idence of course, but it's quite
d one of the fragments fall out
ut I'll be fucked if I can find

t too keen on hanging around
ard would turn up.




--------------------------------





--------------------------------
. That's a long way for you,
Much better to get a car and
life, get grown-up.
ing.
o walk - not run, jog, sprint,
ll the way back home, from the

. How?
all back into my own chaotic
ike trying to fall asleep: the
never remembered, never quite
and from this place - it takes
to quite literally "leave myself
really believe I'm somewhere
no, I dunno what/where it is.
tes, I'm not sure, I CAN'T be

occupied while walking to a
e, to simply observe your
people, the activities, the
tion of walking in the first
o these `normal' methods if the
ar (or both).
dea during the daytime, but at
ears to function as they should
ick his head in nick it", etc).
ned small goblin-type creatures
lf occupied. These ugly monsters
ircraft. Destination Tunnel. Or
hem weather reports, ETA's,
ctions with my imaginary
he menu... Anything to keep the

und in my fucked up brain, I
to music, I can't enjoy the
w it all too well. The only
ucking intensely... I feel to
d cross over to a strange,

est "body leave" I've ever had.



ng Karen>
worth? Yes Illingworth!---
ughts>
I'm back home. Stop at the
scratch head, glance at watch

shit could really be something
d my physical fitness - Jesus, I
ust the repetitiveness that's



been on through. Isn't that nice
call in and see me?
a thin voice and sat down
ghed as she rummaged through
piece of lined A4 with a few
st offered it. I paused before



?"

iday?"


alous I met somebody."

y," She rattled the sheet of
ing poem, read it, go on." Her
: I thought she was going to
for a while to see if it would
they didn't. She started biting



round and round
my head
et you down
thing I said

atch the birds
s I fly
yond the hills
your side

t. Folded it up. Gave it back to
s.
id, I wrote it." She gasped.

"Thanks."
ake it back. I looked at the
id take it back. And I smiled






ort little skirt down, giving me
kers.
NT THOSE OFF]
my notebook back into

ME Mr Nice Guy Chesters," Karen
ay think you're some kind of
ll you now, you're fucking NOT
but you're NOT. You thought
ou? Nobody at all. And now some-
ckin jealous aren'tcha. Well
y breath. "The boy... The man I
m come true, do you see what I'm
had come true. I want to be with
, because you're my best friend,
t so fuckin hard... You're
t you just say you're jealous,
where we fuckin stand, just say

d at her and threw my book down

SENSELESS. *KILL* HER *NOW*
T DO IT--]
whispered. "Okay, I'm going,
and began to walk away. Her
flesh. She started weeping...
the night.
nd stupid laugh.

o write this entry, I found a




--------------------------------
they've always-

erday didn't you? Well forget
g after people. I'm sick of it.
to hang on tightly to the
one, always, I'm treated like
th it all. Well bollocks.

ght's little episode with Karen.

thern box. Just a shadow-curve.
t these words down. Her fingers
just peeped- what shall I do?
I do?]

slid away. S'gone now, and I
her. Perhaps she's a ghost. A
w... Hell, maybe it's not Dianne
up in my head... But I don't
ded... Stomach-curve?

with real terror in them down
ng now: a sort of skin-tingling,
de with cold needles. The whole
'm scared. Like seeing it under
.


ropylene rope. A bundle of
. A cigarette lighter. A healthy
s. Buzzing lights that don't
saic stones; icy and tiny and
crack in the wall beside the

riously, just what the fuck am I




--------------------------------
. Huddled up near the southern
y footsteps began to echo.
he didn't take any notice: with
breath, she was up, backing

se her - you know as well as I
hat.
today's entry.
I got a rejection slip today,
ory compendium being launched
s been getting on my tits all
bout on my computer without
of writing... Or anything else

I MUST. I don't know who I am,
d out.
n...



--------------------------------
top for a chat. He was with a
s per usual.
f the scruffy one,"
n bowl?"
same in here.
im alone," - Jee, some defence
Stu?"



nal insults out - I get most of
y listening to Tim's mates
it's hilarious. Tonight I've
y bullethole", "cockwash",
aggot man" - although, glancing
(a converted telephone book), I
scrub that out. Yup, done.
I received (from Tim obviously)
e Stories Published?' but on
g ----> (a) it didn't even
Nice But Dim really wanted an
ck in here and repeated himself.
t it? Can't you see it? I can
ht as a cock in a mousetrap:
hey don't care about me, or each
of sub/urban youth. Everything's
l.
g it extinct. And hope, don't

h yeah, I still have hope. I
out... Whatever it is I've got
gile ex-schoolboys keep coming



her day was pretty harsh. Not a
re. In fact, it seems to me
ut me off the writing business

rt these days - a hell of a lot
Workshop period - but stuff of
raging nature, really does get

ublishes horror/fantasy of any
sider material of "any horrific
e guidelines. And yet they don't
't have it. Won't tolerate it.
te modern fiction without using

ally as insulting letter. Would
p, five lines into it, and just
Why can't writers and editors
in up and attempt to understand










e word `fuck'? Why do you find
f four letters and roughly means
you know! I mean... Why do you
entire population of this
ing basis, too?
ck' into my prose just for the
you're very wrong indeed. I
ters - about the present,
what their age, background or
l `bad language' or `swearing',
in fact.
talking in the street? Have
in the playground? There is no
d. It's one of those small
mply must be accepted.
even if it soon becomes, as I
replacement for the commonly
`bleeding'?
il then, please cancel my
hitty little 'zine.







dy walked through: a black man
]
.





--------------------------------

ent visions, same moths,
y thoughts, half-asleep-

tell you:
th a box of tools sauntered up
flyover. The advert it
ic film - was way out of date,
s of felt-tip and spraycan

ching, smiling, unseen in the
work. He packed up his tools
Tunnel.
ards him - so pathetically blank

normal down here in the misty

nd found I was looking into...
g. Empty, bottomless, looking

k. Pushed me out, sucked me in.
, pain. My fist hit it,

over. Nausea washed over me. My
passed. Avoiding me.
but what does it matter?









--------------------------------

it- as the events of the non-
k in a rush of blood and

e flame of a cigarette lighter,
oths have appeared as they
the thought of burning them
this book for all the bitter
onsider self-combustion.

weather in this industrial
wing when self-discussed. They
nets... Try to scrape me back
vine punishment I'm not quite


I HAVE thought- I HAVE thought-
as CRACKED-]
e in this town - and listen to
alive, this place is living,
ing and destroying mutant moths,
t's spinal cord, it's lover and
will CLICK.
t - my unassigned tools buried
ribble as always, popping my
rs in the social seas... And
hs dance and the shadows of
ights buzz (like the growlnoise
my fingers across my skin and
n but the skin of a shark, a



er chunk of the mosaic unlodge
ightening speed, but, as always,
of fallen stone.
e have a T ladies and gents. A




--------------------------------

en today, something that could
an read this. I dont like



e bedroom window! Arrived beside
d by a cold, cloudy darkness,
he woman who'd given birth to me
d her home of every trace of a


Mum.
to
not
id that before,
about me using language like
mned it. Still, she shouldn't
uilt, should she? Not at half
he day God told us all to

, cool it. Play back the tape,
something special, something
. Okay, okay, here goes.


ed-"


now."


lone!"
nd. Fishcirclemouths, but no

n an explosion of glass and
ed the shining dice bounce and
and weeds in its path, until it

and the front door was locked.
.
es and walked away.



r heart?

because you've suddenly become
er, the piper, the freeman... A
cape of a planet you arrived on
kward customers.
nate moment between two randy
sary precautions. Lumbered with
damnation by a mother obsessed
UCKING BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH




?
a product in a supermarket. I'm
l I attended, a brick in their
m a human doormat for lazy,
dged by others via a physical
existant God. Trapped in a

s of this doomed planet, with no
ing to an abnormal heart-beat.

war - an end to the suffering
ish species that does not

time and matter. But there is a
btained power, offered by true -
this is escape from pressure.
d another part is certainty -

the Tunnel.






--------------------------------


good... Fed to evil... what?
eams. Link worlds. Funny how the
entle, cosy bedbeater what? I
of life's domestic requirements
now what?
don't you just speak louder, I


I suppose I'd better go and take
I dunno, tink them. The walls
mean I'm cracking too? And why
compared to every other day
bit beside my unicorn where the

STAy




nd I'm terrified because I've
but I'm alright.
t particularly comforting
r the past few weeks I think
so I'm not gonna panic. If this
m gonna let it say it. I'm not
n! SHI T FU c
If you scribble shite like that
ep shit: this diary IS you, boy.
SANITY.
the shape of four letters. I
urry, messy, anger - I must have
ense of things - well, better
dence right up front, right
ght there!
16 17 18 19 20 21 21 22 23 24 25
t. Shit




hing - all fucking day is quite
ve spent a hell of a lot of time
exciting - I must have looked
ince the start of the year, and
be fucked if I'm gonna sit down
afternoon, soaking up abuse from
ss! I've got a home! - and it's
alking, DICKWEEDS.
fuck is happening I don't
all. I have some change and I
he dole office but I'm due for
WEEK what am I going to do
CNG B.F.M.F.B.F.H
darling. I am hoping they'll
supper's in the oven, there's
nice family get-together








up and down the Tunnel twenty
minutes. What the fuck am I
d go back and talk to Mum and

friends - loads of writing
going; the writer's group -
ed did I? Why Stu? Because you
lly doing >> FUCK ALL << down
O fucking great, as if she's
ing great, I'm stuck here in
n






ut the colours in now, I would
ease put the colours in





in my hand.
this up, and I'm- I swear that
appened. The words - STAy - are
em... But I feel like laughing,



x - Dianne I mean. She actually
omach, come to think of it, she
it frightens me because I
nd SHE knows I didn't, but I
ved; she said come on over here
. A couple of little guys.
itely what she said, exactly

voice didn't echo. It was really
through some other... Thing,
ain it.
ouldn't feel it when I touched
he Tunnel towards her, looking
suddenly it was all so big and
en she slipped out of the box
ianne, wait! Hang on!" - only my
like normal, so I'm not sure if

the metal fence that boxes off
ly do take a while to get
and for a while I couldn't hear
or anything - anything at all -
r-buzzing (ever-living?) lights.
houted. I turned round, stared
as a short, scruffy tube, which
unk of the London Underground.
lin, sat precariously (with it's
on the fence I'd just crashed
couldn't make a sound, never

fuckin dog turd with arms and
uncing in it's mouth. "Hey,
e before. Something wrong?"

hat's right, you read correctly

I used to offer a lift to. The
ut of my coat pocket on the
erican accent, oddly enough) how
and that he wanted a FUCKING
KING kip (only my coat doesn't
but (shit no) he didn't

a blown-up paper bag and dressed
silver studs, rather like the
essed up in - whip in one hand,
him alright. The only thing I
le twat's name.
e right now," I knew what he was
lift. Well fuck you, gobb-o, I
. Been chucked out, didn'tcha
g bastarding cunting mother.

mam would dump you out on the
goblin, edging around on the
in shitniggle like that stop ya
tched his cigar out and pointed
hing. "I got urgent business to
coupla human footsteps short've
e that dump is don'tcha?"
"
uced the ten pound note that now
s of this diary. "Ten fuckin
made every fuckin night since
Think about it, Chesters." The
andards). "Whatchoo gonna do
ou gotcha self a Tunnel, yeah,
kin package. If you wanna keep
your bones, you'd better start
ing?"
ttle cunt's name.

that easy, Chesters," The cigar
s time pointed downhill. He
t yourself,' "Five for me, five
the deal."
d down. There was another
the brightly illuminated
tte, like the shadow of a badly

bout it," I said reluctantly.
us. "Did you hear-" But he was
take. "Thanks," I snatched it
nose. "Come on then, climb

coat pocket and lifted it
ance.
ide pocket?" he grumbled,
d-like eyes. "Fuck me Chesters,

in my pocket, hands on the
imself into the deep end. "No
k it and stamped on it. He

and foul-mouthed shitbag) by
Tunnel. He rolled like a
operly, I mean, unlike the
r night when Karen turned on the
t no, this was REAL laughter).
T'Nucy Nit.
up like a big dog turd. I
suddenly accepting - and
.
ng, dragging minutes of endless
g the Beechwood Road turn-off
ke two big, green boxing gloves
er side.
the library, I plucked the
Men and eased them down onto

ey both shrieked in chorus and
the roadside wall. "Always put
d, unseen. "Joo want the whole

now featherlight but full of
t or something), then announced:
, gentlemen. Have a pleasant

to swirl round for the journey
nfused Man's Journey, I was
w visible again, screamed up
we're lookin after you, fucko!

ck of this shit you ugly little

range eyes twinkling like fire

ill take you." He hissed. With-
dows.
at supposed to mean?" I shifted
slid up the wall, stealing the
. Except there was no trace of
listening spiderwebs and rain-

icroscopic. "Hey, are you

nd. I looked back down the road
y... Getting closer. I stood
the light source exploded and I
it was: car headlights.

- those goblins were heavier
badly - and the car rattled
ver of rainwater. I watched it,
nly describe as `an air of
me scene (the night, the cold,
gether.
ght, I could see the colour of
e.



at least TRY to get some
th the goblins was real or
into my underpants.
er buy myself a few changes of
going to wash? How am I going

nge in the Tunnel: I've walked

hese entries are going to get a





--------------------------------
back to me today. A memory - my
ience - perhaps the underlying
the idea of rape. Rape
!


d Nina, eight years since, and
next door and working in some
they called her, and never
, only I lost my ball over the
ck, I had to had to knock.
id.
he door closed. Warm, funny,
e echo of a radio somewhere (I
iture and alien ornaments and
went and sat on the settee and
then out into the green
was resting contently in a patch

all from her garden! The whole
the whole of it: jagged-hole
ean white sky, so I stayed for a

her back and I turned and said
and she said no, it's okay, and
and smelt it and saw that she
ine (manners and all that even
it was hot); freezing ice,
as her lips turned bronze and



ridge. If you ever want one,


hite blouse thing... Hung
yellow like dog's wee. She
inated because her (what
and plain to shape beyond that
had ever been before to

n clicked open (more skin and
centrefocus for my eyes only she
nd me looking. Cold sticky
t hardly touched my lolly, even
atching flies as Mum would say.
street and friends yelled, Mum
e birds flew overhead in a
," there was a little nipple
, much much smaller than Mum's
ly liked it, my lolly dropped on
nd look look looked.
lly up and down and round the
more at me, like she wanted to
ere so blue I couldn't stare for
pink and so big nipples did
ly nice she was beautiful, I

- lips- tongue- swallowed, can't
o home. Dog wee yellow all over
bib like Richie's old one that
doing...', `Can I touch...',
rang and echoed but never never

rt... Come on."
de sweet-smelling tatty house,
hhhhh," buttons undone

, clung to pinkish red nipples,

anythin like this you have never

tell anybody, okay?"
n't speak so nodded yes yes yes
t paul won't tell anybody else

to shake. It's okay."
you never said this happened
to be older I-
fanny as well. Honest. Go on

. I reached out and up and- and-
like skin I had wanted to feel
ngers across not soft but hard
ina made a noise so I snatched


d bronze lips. Bead of wee still
thing... And her chest was


eath soft lips against mine,
e too was shaking- sweating-
ree of home friends mum brother
she licked and pulled up
ng in her mouth and then things
ried me to different places and
herself as I watched through
iff branch that was my own
ike these days now in Adult

us both on it bottom top bottom


















days, and forever after when I


y. There are great problems. And
, is the fact that I'm quite

. Perhaps from a dream, perhaps
ut it did NOT happen, not in

rhaps I made up the part where I
up thoughts - and recorded a
if to say to myself, my REAL


ke another eight fucking years



pend in this place now that the
. I'm engraving marks in the
friend STAy over there.
some boxer shorts, some sand-
of fruit from one of the stalls
ch the dosh because I'm sure
back tonight, outside the
ll be very happy to oblige.



took a slow bite from the Boots'
one of the voices... (could it
a moment I was filled with so
arensound that I let a gooey
h and splat on the floor like
n't! needles & pins and I ached
was with somebody ELSE this
friends TONIGHT?)



ootsteps. And then in they came
hem, masking their lower faces

she was talking to me over a
What the fuck's going on?"
nion (whatsisname? what?), a
a bloke.
sperately, almost bleeding with
hot and lightning fast - shoot
ured into my lair like marines
e a sound but all I got was a
s stuck there - an elastic band,

en help me please)]

like a pirate for treasure and
er some time. "WHAT HAPPENED!"
ike that one but I couldn't see
her hair her touch her being...
se and mouth to stop running but
ds like "how are you?" and "mum
asic hints of communication
attractive, Poor Stuart way. It
r Hunky.
, I'm Bruce," He offered me his
ueezed it tightly to show I
e guy was big and the guy was
don't fuck with people who talk
cker, or who see the Retail Bugs
YOU).
Go, please..." I waved them
ther not an appalling mess like
annies don'tcha see how shallow

d my sleeve. "I want you to
.. We'll find somewhere for
will) "We'll gotoa-a-a-"

en-"

y jumper. That was when Bruce
of the Machine's stomachlights
statue from a mythical film (I
gonaughts") and about as
n as a cup of cold coffee on a

"It's quite obvious to me that
his guy a medalion) "Are you
r this subway?" (it's not a
Drug Tunnel) "Can't you smell
und, wrinkling his nose up.
how do you think it's going to
chin again, that lovely spiky
een Karen's cuntlips yet has it
s is a friend of mine. I can
er a place to kip because I
with Karen at the moment," (I
t me) "But I can give you

en I smile, now: my lips are
much, but a little. I'll

of my coat and took a few
t-?"
service."
I was lying, but I just winked.
ean, what they symbolise? Or do
ialgolem's cock inside you all

The place stunk. The lights
nks staggered past, squinting

eped midnight.
e whispered. "It's morning now.
ged her jacket.



tly under my message "ENDLESS

athed and stopped massaging his

o."

n you can tell?"

t so much to just leave it as
"Isn't she?" I added (please
.
ged. "Maybe she was for a while,
over now. Perhaps a fantasy, me
miled to himself. "She said I

arsely, viciously.
my hostile eyes, before nodding

asn't whispering anymore - in

her."
will you?"

me wanted to cry part of me
t the blood across the walls of
e smug hedgehog chin out of the
beast (that had stolen my yes
to curl up and go to sleep and
s over but the real real real
h from a single surviving
corrupted heart told me it was
n my own lack of self-
self-power self self self self

crouched beside me. "I'll tell
ell her how I feel, okay?
she will. I mean- shit, just

d.
ubbed his eyes. "You're right,
ever will be. I like her, a
a great friend, and christ we
what you said a few moments
is all I wanted." He looked

last and I wondered: are you
see?]
down at the sleeping girl.
"
way, and I was left with a patch
would fade so quickly I would
in his arms.

t, we're going home."
row, I promise," She called over
cherries. "Take care, don't go
proh-hom-iss..."
ed thinking fucked up thoughts)
he little guys were back, so I
o prepare myself for the long

erch on the fence. "You gotta
don't keep on being the young-
They grow up! And there's
moping around and wipe that
t places to go, am I right?


I nodded. "Right."
nd we were off - no delays. The
didn't complain as much as they
s I enjoyed myself.
ade up that bizzare sexual
y have become so vivid and

lot into place around the non-
make it feel as though it DID
, there was a voice whispering
home when you overheard your
you saw Nina naked one day!
ou should try and remember the
llowing all this? or are you
-up conscience?"
es tonight, but I did come back
unds in my pocket, and now...

the old ones in the bushes -
& sauce) and I'm now going to
watch the moths (or are they
I fall asleep.
oing to "solve a jigsaw puzzle"




--------------------------------
nder the Tunnel, I was outside,
lly lingers. I had been blown, I
eaves. According to my watch it
nd stiff and starving, so I

g slideshow. I spent most of it
chard (if he was upset, if he
ned or letting Mum tear it up
looking for me, if HE'D been
an WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? Does

p me. And let's face it, I do
fidence anymore, no faith, no
ll, no nothing...

ry - I'm obviously going insane,
appens to me- what I see through
should I make it up? I spend
her making a fictional diary
I look back and remember it that
lity from fantasy?
w what's real, what's unreal,
ng...


ss. And one wine bottle used up.
ll tell you what happened shall




reached into my pocket like I
a gun or something but instead I
pty wine bottle, which crack-
leaving me with a circular-
lowed walking - stopped walking
, slowly, grinning.
n." I smiled, holding up the
rolled out of it, hit the
the whole of the crane, not just

at me, drunk as usual but
me, his friend, his contact,
light Zone, gone mad, turned
n, I think - and I advanced as
e still giving me abuse, but in
tic voice.
rt us master, we're sorry-]
y realised the smell and the
walls and the new grafitti done
might be my own and might not
come to Daddy...
his voice fresh and new and low
eath the Tim. The darkest depths
kicked me and driven me to
ck. "What the fuck are you gonna
ead with that, eh? You're fucked

ctricity. My fingers were
in was running with sweat.
h clenched teeth.
t go-"
. Three more. Tim in the lead,
all, I was his friend.
kled, arms held out. "You're
are ya Stu, eh? You're just a


d screamed and that I was the
ight with the teenage girls -
en, terrified of insanity,
held high and ready to strike.
but I do remember slicing open
s back and slashing him across the
ught I would trip. I remember
nding me, filling my mouth,

el and collapsing not with the
le of glass and the crack-whip



er... Except her warmth. I do
, soon, I can sense it. They
am satisfied that tonight I chased
, away, away from here and I am
read his guts all over this

o hurt you in the past or you
he breakup. I took the risk
p, two-sided friendship - would
ho deep down d n't give a fuck
ted, throughout?
er.


le all over the kitchen floor
and the Bug did a million more,






--------------------------------
yellow-white like puddles and
I am in a cardboard tube, a
ut but I'm not allowed to leave.
like rivers of melted butter
.
h Karen.
aid you could have the spare
staying here, I won't let-"



"
from here, I can see it, I love
for hurting you, I can see it,

that, crying I think, though
utter, like little heating fans,
d my face.
he road that the things we
e bottles, rope, black bags,
rk and made-up-fantasies. They
to solve - crack that and
for anything to happen and
what I wait f r doesn't exist
ead) up here, do you get it
ng to make sense.
le that is Steve today when he
butter) and stopped and
he turned to pity and offered
ook, before I hooked the rope
across the ground, nearer and
swap, nearer and nearer to the
east, and I swung him ---> I
ing and crying and bleating like
into the monster's buttercoated
hen his body to the waist, then
of my world, out of my nest, out

as I flicked the lighter up and
his voice to leave like the
ever be back.
hough he didn't hear, and I can,
here.
k to see if I was still alive
police man with him through the
e a big binliner he was holding
something caught, something




yes."
es, he looked different, not a
f his eyes was a different

ked him.
t," he replied, smiling.
d he waved before disappearing
fter the dimension flash, the
sh and rattle - big it was,
d staggered up and took hold of

he plastic clash of legs, the
l of Retail Bug shit - black
hape of bullets, I sensed - as
throb and thrash and kick and
ture.


d c ld. Tore through my jeans,
the bag and skidded down onto
elped and eventually leaped free
t spr ng for the southern box,
a dimension flash.
e Tunnel and chasing the
t remember getting to here, laid
in the dark. Magnus said some-
to pieces with glass in the back
ering aimlessly by a man

agnus climbed out of my pocket.
rsault, sat up and made his eyes

aid, grinning. "End of the road,

ted to be back at the Tunnel in
d think some more about the past
of the things the STAy message
somehow, you know, I couldn't,
ing, the final frontier, the
dfather felt like before death,
lurring his vision was and how
r all sins he must have been.
th the dreams," smiled Magnus,
I could see the bricks in the
face the music, fucko. Stand in
current."
re, out in the middle of the
ths, silent and freezing and
wing as Magnus disappeared and I
dy to STAy now and tackle the
-down, up-down, and to scream
end, right to the fucking END,
ND, I scribb e to the END, the





--------------------------------
ainly of Karen. Remember being
into mine.



--------------------------------
ng s mething, being told
ing.



--------------------------------
alking, not m h from me - j st
a d Richard. Mum cryin�. Mum
I rem er touching my face and
s.
b shes where I kept t e items I
ound glu of all things in plas





--------------------------------
eyes. Se med excited. Quite a
k I h ve met before. Papers
.



you ."
t be good ne s, unless of
ng it up... Or whate er. I


s r n ou